I always thought I had all these special friendships with all these people. I get close to someone and I think we have a divine connections, but here I am today and I learn these feelings are one sided. Nothing is special. Nothing really mattered. And learning all those people from your past didn’t see you the way you saw them, can make you wonder, what about the people in your life today?
But no matter how many times I’ve been let down, I keep believing.
Because, someone has to.
I’m upset that Nikki never talks to me, that Taylor threw away our friendship for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about her, that Vaekna doesn’t even have the respect to open the door and HAS PICTURES ON FACEBOOK OF HER WITH MY STUFF, that Tim isn’t currently next to me, that I tried so hard to be there for Vaenka and this is how she treats me, that Vince let go of me. That Moose was actually a shitty friend. That someone, probably Taylor told some girl I slept with I’m embarrassed at how much people used me.
it’s 2014 and you’d love all the stuff that is out plus how everyone is dressing. i wonder how youre brothers are doing, i’ll ask your auntie next time i talk to her. me and her check in occasionally.
i don’t really have any close friends now. i’m pretty distant from everyone, which made me wonder, if you were alive, where would we stand? you were so much better than me. you’d most likely be in some fancy college, seeing the world but never letting the world see you. so this thought made me think, what if someone i used to be close to, died now? do i still have the right to be upset even though were distant? i just hope no one dies.
for once this includes myself. i don’t want to die. i want to learn and explore and love and get married and have babies and live to be a grandmother and maybe one day i’ll even go after my little writing dream, and i’ll be sure to write about you, if i do.
ever since you died, i’ve basically lived enough for both of us. i did all sorts of things you would have wanted to see and do, and of course never got the chance because of the sheltered family life. sometimes i felt like you were living through me. even now, when i see something beautiful, i take a mental snapshot for you.
i…i’m going to stop living for you, though. i’m going to settle down, of course, i hope you enjoy this new life of mine, too. and i’m not going to run, like we used to. i’m going to stop and feel everything.
"if i’m free its because i’m always running."
i love you. i love you. i loved you.
i can’t keep asking why.
or what happened.
because i still want to cry all the time and no one ever talks about you and i should be over it but i cant just put a new person in my heart where theres a hole shaped like you.
closed. for now. just for now, lena.